Dan Rust joins hosts Jack Armstrong and Joe Getty for a fun and fast discussion of career advancement tips and strategies. They talk about the frustrations of younger workers who focus on just doing a good job, ignore office politics, and then get frustrated when some who are less talented or don’t work as hard seem to have greater career acceleration.
Click on the link below it listen.
“I don’t believe her. Why would a man in his position be so stupid and risk his career and reputation?” she said. “Plus, look at all the women who have come forward to support him.”
I heard this comment from a female colleague regarding former Fox News host Gretchen Carlson’s recent allegations against Roger Ailes, Fox News CEO. Carlson recently brought a wrongful termination suit against Ailes after her contract as the host of Fox’s The Real Story was not renewed. She is alleging sexual harassment, saying that Ailes made comments about her physical appearance and once told her that they should have slept together long ago.
I have no idea which one of them is telling the truth. You don’t either. But plenty of people have come to quick, firm opinions on the matter. And I’m particularly surprised at the number of women who have decided they don’t believe Ms. Carlson because they’ve heard so many other women (who currently work for Mr. Ailes) expressing support for him and adamant disbelief regarding the allegations. If he didn’t harass THOSE women, their thinking goes, he probably didn’t harass Gretchen, right?
Update: Ailes was just dismissed from Fox News following an internal investigation. He takes with him a $60 Million severance package. Previously supportive female hosts on Fox News have gone silent.
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Before I go any further let me acknowledge that as a man writing about sexual harassment and abuse in the workplace, my perspective and personal experience is inherently limited. And giving advice that may be politically incorrect or uncomfortable is going to strike some as inappropriate, maybe even offensive. Over the years I’ve had many conversations with women about the sexual pressures and abuses they face at work. And as much as possible, I’m going to try to reflect their experiences and perspectives rather than my own.
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While it is certainly true that women have the ability to commit sexual abuse in the workplace, the reality is that men are far, far more likely to be the perpetrators. And women with little power are almost always the victims. So that is the point of view I’m taking here.
With all that said, here are a few hard truths about sexual misbehavior in the modern workplace.
1. Sexual Harassment training has helped… and hurt.
Every year, millions of employees are required to complete annual training focused on preventing sexual harassment in the workplace. Huge amounts of money, time and resources are committed to this yearly effort, and this has been happening for decades. So by now we should have finally stamped out sexual abuse at work, right? Or at least diminished it significantly? Perhaps.
But one perverse consequence of all this training is that sexual abuse perpetrators have also been trained – and they’ve become MUCH better at covering their tracks.
Sure there are still stupid guys sending inappropriate texts and pictures, and HR loves to bring the hammer down on them. But the smart ones, the real sexual sociopaths, have become much more subtle and clever.
“It took me awhile to recognize the pattern,” Linda said to me. “Whenever I worked late at the office, he was there. He owned the company, so I assumed he always worked late. But I later realized it was only those nights when I was working late, alone.” Linda went on to describe how she had been “groomed” to become comfortable with him, and ultimately pressured into a sexual relationship. “He was very careful, and no one in the company had a clue. The weirdest thing is that at a certain point I decided I needed evidence of our ‘relationship’ if you can call it that. And it’s almost like he instinctively knew, because that’s when it ended.” She was grateful that the sexual pressure ended, and didn’t perceive any negative impact on her career. “But to this day I wonder if he simply moved on to a fresher target, and I’m sure if I had tried to make a big thing of it, my career would have suffered.”
The important thing to understand is that in today’s world the (mostly male) perpetrators of sexual harassment and abuse are clever. They plan. They strategize. They create “cover” relationships with other women at work and ensure that those women perceive them as straight arrows who NEVER say or do anything inappropriate. As crazy and evil as it seems, they get a kick out of the game.
“Always have plausible deniability,” a call center director said to me a few months ago as he described a series of office trysts with underlings. “If there’s ever heat, make sure it comes down to he-said, she-said.” He’d had a few drinks and I thought the alcohol had caused him to let his guard down. Until he held up his glass of whisky and wagged a finger at me. “Even this conversation, it’s just you and me. No trail, no evidence. nothing to come back and haunt me.” Needless to say, we haven’t gone out for drinks again. But the conversation haunts me.
It is also true that massive sexual harassment training has made some people over-sensitive to the issue, and they run to HR the moment they feel offended by a comment or occurrence. “Apparently something about the way I was looking at her made her uncomfortable. She went to our female boss to complain that I was ‘leering’ at her,” a sales manager said to me. “The boss called me into her office and told me to cut it out – I was confused and surprised, and trying to deny it just made me look worse.” Feeling that his reputation had been permanently and unfairly damaged, he eventually moved on to another employer.
So massive sexual harassment sensitivity training has helped, but is hasn’t changed human nature.
2. “Putting up with it” is a career choice many women still make.
While writing this article I reached out to a number of female colleagues with whom I have worked over the years and virtually every one of them shared at least one example of “putting up with it” for the sake of their career. These are strong, professional women and I was frankly surprised. one of them was very open about the compromise she made with her own values.
“I could have gone to HR and no doubt it would have hurt his career at that company. But it also would have hurt mine.” she said. “I know a lot of people will judge me for this, but I just told him to stop it, I made it clear that nothing was EVER going to happen between us. I was firm, but not harsh or strident or shaming. Because I needed to have a good working relationship with him.”
While I would never want my wife or daughter to make such a compromise, I also don’t want to pass judgement over those women who do.
“I just look at it as part of the cost of doing business in my industry. My clients are mostly men, they ask me out for drinks, to ‘talk business’ but it often leads to uncomfortable moments,” a female sales rep said to me. “I have to find ways to say ‘no’ without bruising their egos too much. Otherwise I have no shot at their business.”
It is a mistake to assume that the only women who “put up with it” are those who lack confidence, or who are desperate to keep their jobs. I worked with a female VP of Sales who projected the epitome of confidence and power. Her comments were a big eye opener for me.
“I had big career ambitions, and I wasn’t going to let any man’s bad behavior get in the way,” she said. Sometimes that meant pushing back hard, sometimes it meant talking like ‘one of the boys’ and sometimes it meant just ignoring or putting up with it. I know that’s not politically correct to say – but it’s what got me here.”
3. Going to HR immediately may NOT be your wisest move.
I’m afraid this may upset some of my friends in HR but I’ve heard too many stories from people (again, mostly women) who did the “right” thing and it ended up hurting their career.
Understand that the Human Resources department exists to serve the interests of the business. They are not there to be your personal advocate or counselor. So when someone lodges a formal complaint, what HR is looking for is specific, verifiable evidence. He-said, she-said accusations will certainly be acted upon, to some degree, but HR is going to protect the rights of both employees (as they should) AND MOSTLY protect the interests of the business.
The folks in HR do not have an obligation to protect your privacy. In fact if you lodge a complaint against another employee, HR has a primary obligation to address the complaint and protect the business, not to protect your identity.
In smaller businesses or those with a single owner (or other especially powerful individual employees) the people in HR often understand that in order to keep their own jobs they have to keep THAT person happy. The folks in HR have their own career pressures.
If you are going to take the step of lodging a formal complaint regarding unwanted sexual comments or actions, first seek out your own legal representation. You need to have counsel from someone who is solely focused on your interests, and has experience in this area of the law. This person can give you fact-based advice regarding when and how to contact HR with the allegation.
4. Don’t expect automatic support from other women.
If harassment occurs, be very careful about whom you decide to discuss it with at work. In the modern workplace, the days of female solidarity are over. Some women won’t believe you. Some may believe you but are more concerned with their own careers. Some may view this as an opportunity to push themselves up while pushing you down.
“My boss came on to me during a business trip, and I made the mistake of telling another woman at work about the situation. I trusted her and asked her to keep it between us until I had decided what to do,” a marketing manager said to me. “Well, she told someone. And THAT person went to my boss, saying that I was ‘spreading rumors’ and needless to say, the whole situation blew up on me.”
In the days following Gretchen Carlson’s allegations against Roger Ailes, a long list of Fox News female hosts, producers and others came forward to express their support for Mr. Ailes. None of them called Gretchen a liar exactly, but they made it clear who they were supporting. Obviously the fact that Mr. Aisles was their boss had to be a factor in their decision to come forward.
Only one prominent female host (Megyn Kelly) did not come forward with public statements of support. She hosts the #1 show on Fox News and clearly does not feel the same career pressure as others.But it turns out, if recent news reports are to be believed, that she told the internal Fox news investigators that she had in fact experienced unwanted advances from Mr. Ailes earlier in her career. Apparently she had “put up with it” in those early years of her career.
Which seemed to work out well for her.
Here is a recent radio interview focused on the same topic:
This is a complex and difficult topic, and I’m only certain of one thing: Every situation is unique, and every woman has to make decisions and choices based upon her own values and priorities. I’d love to hear your perspective on this.
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This LinkedIn post is not an excerpt, but my new book “Workplace Poker” includes career advice with a dash of smirky, sassy humor. Is it is available everywhere books are sold. You can view a brief video of reader comments by clicking on the link below.
“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” – Mel Brooks
This was a fun interview, and while Dana never takes herself too seriously, she asks really good questions. It’s great to have a host who understands how to takes a serious topic, have some fun with it, and yet also share practical information to help listeners in her audience advance their careers.
Listen as we talk about why people find office politics so distasteful, why the “good ones” don’t always get their fair share of recognition and reward, and how to “play the game” in an ethical and positive way.
Jordana Green hosts a radio show on WCCO 830 AM (Minneapolis) weeknights from 9 p.m. – 11 p.m. CST. On this show segments below she interviews Dan Rust about his book Workplace Poker, and offers her own insight into the modern work environment. They discuss self-promotion strategies, how to effectively “toot your own horn” without being perceived as a blowhard.
They also discuss the importance of personal charm and charisma in career advancement, and whether or not someone can actually learn to be more charming. Dan shares stories of several “charm-challenged” individuals who were able to develop greater effectiveness in this area. It took time and significant effort, but eventually these overly-serious grumpy folks were able to become quite pleasant and indeed, charming.
The total interview (parts 1 and 2 below) lasts about 30 minutes.
Part 1:
Part 2:
Every company has its own culture and way of doing things, and within that lived reality are what we call the unwritten rules—which must be followed to get ahead at a corporation. These are not usually written down in a company handbook but are left implicit—unwritten—for employees to decipher on their own.
Most learn about these rules by asking team members, seeking feedback, inquiring about what gets rewarded or discouraged, or just simply by observing what does or does not work. Read more →
“Why can’t people just say what they mean and mean what they say?” lamented Jenny, a mid-level manager for one of my client businesses. “If we focused all of this energy on the business we wouldn’t have most of the issues that cause the gossip, paranoia and backstabbing.” She was reacting to recent comments from a “friend” in the business, confiding that some of her coworkers were worried because she had been coming in late the past week. First of all Jenny was surprised because her cubicle was in an area where no one could see her daily comings and goings. She had been arriving about 30 minutes late ─ and staying 30 minutes longer at the end of the day, but apparently no one noticed THAT ─ because her husband’s car was being repaired and he needed her to drop him off at his workplace. Read more →
“I can’t stand working on projects with him! He does none of the work and sucks up all the credit!” a young associate lamented to me recently.
“Sometimes the best career move is to hug the cactus,” I replied.
“Huh?” The young associate gave me an annoyed look, as if I had just squirted lemon in her eye. This is not an uncommon response, I must admit, when I try to be too quippy sharing my profound wisdom with others in the workplace.
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Years ago I was complaining to my own manager; I was getting bored with all of the administrative work and wanted to be assigned to something that utilized my creative thinking ability. She said “sometimes you have to hug the cactus.” And I think I gave her the lemon juice squint eye.
She went on to explain that by embracing the boring admin work instead of complaining about it, I was more likely to:
My manager used the “cactus” analogy a lot. Anytime she felt that I was avoiding or dismissing something (or someone) because of my discomfort or disinterest, she would often say “try hugging the cactus, you’ll be surprised what you might get out of it.”
Her basic premise wasn’t original of course. Others have touted the benefits of doing the difficult thing, working outside of our comfort zone, etc. Robert Frost expressed the sentiment more profoundly in his poem The Road Not Taken. But for some reason my manager’s “hug the cactus” comment stuck with me and popped up in my mind over and over again throughout my career.
Over the course of our lives, each of us is faced with a variety of cacti that, upon deeper reflection, we might benefit from embracing rather than avoiding. For example:
Those are just a few examples. When you start to think about it, you will probably come up with numerous examples of cacti in your own life. Of course not every cactus deserves a hug.
The key is to be discerning, because some cacti will only cause you pain and grief. And when they hurt, those needles can dig deep. So think carefully at least give your instinctive response a second thought.
Regarding the young associate who didn’t want to work with a colleague perceived as a non-contributor taking credit for the good work of others, I asked her to think about the kind of work she would be doing with this person. Whether or not she received fair credit for her contributions, the kind of work she would be doing would build new skills, expand her responsibilities (and visibility in the company) and ultimately put her in a better position for the next significant promotion opportunity. As she thought about her choices, it became clear that “hugging the cactus” would be the best move for her.
Think about your own life and the activities or situations or people you instinctively avoid. Is there any upside potential if you lean into some of them rather than away? Maybe it’s time for you to hug a cactus or two.
Office politics – a taboo word for some people. It’s a pervasive thing at the workplace. In it’s simplest form, office politics is simply about the differences between people at work; differences in opinions, conflicts of interests are often manifested as office politics. It all goes down to human communications and relationships.
There is no need to be afraid of office politics. Top performers are those who have mastered the art of winning in office politics. Below are 7 good habits to help you win at the workplace: Read more →
When a friend told Jessica Dean about a hot startup looking for a director of business development, she forwarded her résumé. The New York-based company offered a new smartphone app that sounded innovative. Unfortunately, the owner’s lack of professionalism raised red flags during the interview. He made lofty promises about company plans, used profane language, and overstated his qualifications. Ms. Dean took the job because her friend assured her that the owner—a friend of her friend’s—would be a good boss.
The problems started right away. The owner didn’t trust her, so would leave late-night voice mails asking if she’d completed her projects. “Even my mother didn’t care for him when she met him,” says Ms. Dean, who quit after six months. Read more →
I’m sure that most entrepreneurs and business leaders would confess to having been in a situation of feeling overwhelmed and in over their head.
In such circumstances, leaders might rely on the “say yes to everything now and figure it out later” approach, which can trigger angst, frustration and some sleepless nights along the way.
Many years ago I worked for a large hotel chain, rising from an entry-level position to general manager at age 24, becoming one of the chain’s youngest general managers. Read more →